The rain outside the windows.  Been raining for a few days now and everything is soaked.  I love watching the drops of rain water drop from the tree branches, or the pools of water on the driveway ripple when the slightest rain falls, and the sound of all this patter.  I love the rain- makes you feel like nature is refreshing itself, giving everyone a fresh start or something.

I would most like to experience feeling totally cleansed- totally clean mentally and physically. My body has been feeling so icky lately, what with the lack of exercise, all the commotion of this week (Coronation), and lack of a job.  I haven't had a dreamless night sleep in a while, and so I wake up feeling mentally cluttered and unrested.  I want to feel refreshed, rejuvenated and energetic.  I want to experience this everyday (or at least pretty much everyday).

Seeing my boyfriend cry of happiness from stepping down as Emperor. 

I'm moving back to Seattle in less than a month, with no job lined up.  I'm going to be living with my mom; what kinds of guys are going to want to date a guy who lives with his mom?  WHY am I worried about that??  I know that when I move down there, I'm not going to be ready to date anybody, and anybody I DO date, will have to understand my situation.  At least my mom's roomates are allowing me to live with them for a while.  I'm thankful for that. 

I just look at where am I'm at now: no planned out career path, no place of my own to live, a $7,000 student loan (thank god it's a STUDENT loan!), not that much savings...and I look at where I WANT be be:
financially abundant, job that I LOVE, living in my own place, close to this job that I love...I guess what I'm really concerned about right now is being financially savy and abundant.  It just freaks me out. 

And why am I messing around with other guys, thinking about being with other guys right now???  How can i do that to Michael?  To us?  Isn't that a huge slap in the face to our relationship???  WHY am I so interested in seeing other guys right now???  I need to concentrate on my career first...I'm not even going to be ready to see other people for a while. 

I'm so scared.  What am I going to do?  Why won't Aerotek email me back??  Why can't I find something I know I want to do??  I feel so emotionally unstable right now.

I just sort of cheated with this Nate guy from Seattle.  Met him in his hotel room today, we watched a movie, I rubbed his back, he rubbed my back...it was the most pleasure delaying I've ever done, and it was very HOT!  Loved kissing him, and I loved how he took control of switching positions.  He had a THICK cock, godamn. 

Why is it that I got so insecure afterwards???  I think because I really had a nice time with him sexually, and I don't want him to think badly of me, and I want to keep doing it.  I get all paranoid that I'm kissing him too much, cuddling too much, doing something wrong...if he was shitty at sex, I don't think I'd be freaking out like this.  With Clif, I never experienced this; why not?  Maybe because his cock was too small, and because I loved kissing Nate, and I loved how he took control. I really liked that.  I think I may have a problem getting attached to people if the sex is good.  THAT could be a problem. 

I feel so alone.  I'm so scared.  Grandma.  Patrick.  mom.  Erin...Ray..Shann...Terra...please help me...

Hmm, I guess I share knowledge with people all the time.  I share laughter, love...all that good stuff.  But something concrete?  Not sure, I can't remember... I usually always share my food, so I'm going to go with that.  I'm pretty good about sharing other things though. 

The only things that really take my breath away are stunning scenes from nature- a really pretty sunset, a vast landscape, light and water interacting.  I can't think of anything else that really takes my breath away.  Things my boyfriend has done for me have taken my breath away.  When he took me to swim with dolphins, or bought me a cruise ticket. 

I've been chatting with guys online so much latley.  Like, that's all I look forward to everyday, and I know it's unhealthy, unproductive.  Just a few guys that I have become attached to- David in Arkansas, Bob in Chicago, and Tom in Maryland.  I haven't chatted with David in a while.  He is SO gorgeous and sweet, but the last few times we have chatted, he hasn't been as sweet as he was when we first chatted.  Which, is the case with most guys I meet.  But he just seems so genuine, and GOD he is so cute!  I find myself getting attached to these guys if the conversation is great and they are insanely gorgeous.  What sucks is that they are all so far away.  Which one would I like to be with the most??  Probably Bob, because we've both shared with each other that there is a certain link between us.  But Tom and I have also grown close.  I just wish David and I chatted more.  I find myself obsessing over these guys and the next time I'll chat with them, especially with me unemployed.  Not good. 

We are moving, since Michael sold his house.  I would get involved in the Interior AIDS Association here, but I want to reserve time to help Michael move.  That's another thing i'm worried about- not fully appreciating all the time we are sharing together before I leave.  Sometimes it just hits me- that I won't ever sleep beside him after Oct 14...that I won't come home to his smiling face, that I won't hear his laughter, and all the other quirky stuff that I love about him, everyday... I'll be alone in my mom's house for 2 weeks, then in Darrick's mom's house...then hopefully in my own place by Jan....but ALONE.  But isn't that what i want???  I do- but I will miss him SO MUCH... and are these guys that I've been chatting with worth it???  The 3 of them are not out; what does that say about what I'm attracting???  They are all real genuine and affectionate though, so that is good. 

What will I do if I can't find work in Kirkland???  That is my biggest fear.  But at least I'll be around a big support group.  I just get flooded with emotion at times.  I am looking forward to dating others, and having more than one cuddle partner.  But I don't want my life to revolve around that, because I know i will get that no matter what I'm doing.  So, I want to focus on my career and volunteerism. 

What if I don't find a place to volunteer that i like???  What if I can't find that job I'm looking for??  What if  what if what if??  You know what I really want right now?  A furry, husky guy to cuddle up with?  Why is that?  Why isn't Michael good enough for me?  WHY is a different body so important to me???  Is it THAT strong of an urge?? 

This, I can't believe this has happened to me... I think I've fallen in love with a guy named Tom.  We've only been chatting for a little over a week, but the few times we have chatted, I feel such a connection to him, and I find myself thinking of him constantly the more we talk. 

This sucks- not having steady work.  My mind jsut goes ape shit- thinks of things, elaborates, expands, morphs, warps things into things they aren't.  I keep thinking of Tom and yearning to be with him.  I find it hard to focus on doing even the daily necessities of my life.  Well, I guess that's not true, as I have been exercisiing; the only thing I haven't been doing lately is chanting, and I think that's exactly what I need to do in order to keep a level head and keep my goals in focus.

I'm going to turn down this job tomorrow at Home Depot.  It's just way too complicated.  I can understand lots of things, but these instructions are so unclear, and I think I need someone by my side explaining all this to me. My fear is that Amber will think I'm being incompetent and will not give me certain jobs in the future.  Not that it will mater- I'm moving away soon.  But still, it's a personal thing as well- I know I can figure out most things, and I HAVE the time, but it just seems like it'd be just too frustrating trying to figure this all out.  Amber might counter that I have the rest of the month to figure this out, but it just seems like a big headache.  I'd rather she find me other more clear work. 

I feel so tired lately, and I hate that, because I haven't been doing much work.  I tell myself it's the change of weather, but i still want to remain active. 

This belly doens't seem to be disappearing.  WHY?  I know I need more cardio; it just feels like a struggle to find opportunities to fit it in, or to change it up.  I HAVE AN EASY TIME FITTING IN CARDIO AND LOSING MY BELLY AND I AM SATISFIED! 

I want to stop obsessing over Tom and concentrate on the things I want to do in MY life: my career, a great place to live, keeping in shape...easy stuff, that will come to me because I will be searching hard for it.

I think so- I get a clearer picture year by year, I think.  I think I'm here to inspire people, ro to fight for justice and for equality.  I'm here to infect people with laughs, smiles and kindness.  I don't view myself as a healer, or someone who needs to constantly be helping someone, but I do feel like I was meant to spread happiness by just interacting with people, and having it rub off on me to them. 

I wish I knew that!  I feel I am most creative at night- I think that's just when my energy & creativity is at its highest.  But it's annoying because even if I want to sleep or am tired, my mind will be racing with ideas, and it's hard to shut it off and retain all that creativity for later.  I just don't feel it during the day as much, but I'm hoping to change that.

I really like being near water, but I'm not sure if that helps foster my creativity.  Looking up at the stars, or being in darkness seems to bring out the creativity in me for some reason....

As for feelings or emotions, unforunately heavy feelings of being a victim, or being depressed, actually foster really bold creativity in me.  Sometimes I think that's a bad thing, but I should explore how I can use it in a positive or productive manner...Equally, during periods of extreme stress of happiness, is when creative thoughts flow to me...

I really want to explore and find out what sparks my creativity, because I think I am actually a very creative person, but I don't know how to tap into it most of the time.

I'm really grateful for meeting this guy, Tom.  Met him online and we just have such a connection and I love chatting with him. I don't know, I can't explain why we're so connected.  I mean, we both like the same things, namely affection, and we both can't wait to cuddle and be intimate together. 

I'm just really glad he's in my life.

Can this be said of someone i've never met before??  I miss this guy I've met only a few weeks ago...online.  We've just connected to smuch, and I just want to be near him so badly.  Well, he can have his own separate category for people I miss.

I miss my sister.  I can't wait to be near her everyday and be available to each other.  She and my mother are my strongest support beams in my life.  I was looking through photo's yesterday while I was moving my things, and I came across ones of my sister.  It made me miss her.  She always makes me laugh.

I can only speculate.  As a child, i used to wander around with my eyes shut, trying to simulate what it would be like.  I guess you would just get used to it, navigating around your surroundings and just making major adjustments. 

It would suck missing out on movies, art and other visual ecstacies... sometimes I wonder which would be worse- losing your sense of sight or hearing.  Either way, you miss out on some beautiful things in life. 

One thing to look forward to about being blind is the hightening of your other senses.  I would hope that your psychic sense would enhance and you would be able to see people's aura's and sense spiritual energy more.

Probably my sister- we've had such a close bond our entire lives. 

I write in my journal, I talk with my sister or boyfriend, I exercise, I go for a walk, I listen to angry music. 

I try to find a productive outet for my anger and try to work through and understand WHY I'm so upset by something.

Sometimes I think we try so hard all the time to relax and dissapate any stress or tension; but I think they are normal emotions, just like love and tenderness, and as such they have their place in our lives as well.  They can be a great motivator or provide extra energy to do something.  Sometimes I wonder if we can even do anything about our tension or stress at a certain point- like, if we are majorly stressed or angry about something, it can be therapeutic to let it out and scream. 

But, most of the time I find that when one is relaxed, one can get things done more productively.

I would say i believe in angels & guides, because my mother and several of her friends have attested to their existence.  I can't really feel any of my guides' presence, but I do call on my grandma and dead uncle when I feel lonely or stressed, and I'm amazed at how much calmer I feel when I do.  That alone is testimony for me that they and other guides do exist.

Not sure, probably my sense of compassion.