I love and am afraid of the fact that my life is about to take such a drastic change.  I'm going to move down to Seattle soon, in order to be close to my family & old friends, be close to more job possibilities and urban life.  But I'm also leaving behind one major part of my life- my boyfriend of 5 years.  I get both excited and fearful about making such a big change in my life.  But, I guess I would have to say that one thing I "love" about my life right now, is the fact that I am brave enough to leave someone so important in my life, because I recognize that I need to be in a different place in my life. I don't know if that's something to be proud of though...

Jesus- I know lots of people would say either Jesus or Mohammed.  I'm cool with not meeting Buddha, because Buddhists are the most laid back of the 3 major religions.  I want to ask Jesus, "Do you know what you will cause??  Do you know how much strife, murder and power struggles you will cause??  Please tell me how and what are the positive aspects you will bring to the human race, and how they will outweight the zealots and their manipulation of your religion." 

When my head is full of my own problems.  If I have unresolved issues or things i haven't thought through, then it's hard for me to really listen to people and be there completely for them. 

Or if the person i'm talking with really doesn't ask me about me, and only cares about themselves.  I get really sick of that, and I've decided that giving them my attention is really a waste of my time; I don't want to be en enabler for them either. 

Just woke up today from having two really distubing dreams. 

One dream is where I'm running around this big house, which is sitting on the waterfront, i want to say Juanita-looking area.  And, I'm running around, trying to dodge bullets from this crazy cop guy who saw me do something illegal...i could swear i'm acting allt his out from some movie I saw.  I see Michael sitting in the kitchen or someplace, and i run to him in a panic, and he has this air of disbelief and indifference.  that freaks me out even more.  I run into the bathroom, where i hear Michael asking Bear if he can watch the boys one day...

Second dream is, i'm hanging from these two steel parallel bars, in this crumbling concrete structure, with Misha on my left and some Chilean dude on my right.  I can see my penis dangling.  I can see the long fall to the ocean cliff below us, and I'm scared to death of letting go and falling.  I eventually ask the Chilean guy to help me...

Cut to me having doubts about leaving Michael, and living in Seattle.  I don't feel that same sense of confidence, of optimism.  But I guess that can't be helped- the thought of leaving someone so important in my life, SHOULD have such an effect on me, I imagine, or else he really doesn't play an important role in my life.  Still, I am nervous that, by being in this low state, it doesn't help my chances of landing positive things in my life.  Like, I'm just realizing now that it's probably not the best place for me when I get into this victim mode- I've known that i do that from time to time, but i've always viewed it as OK, for some reason; made me feel special.  But, ever since I went to that psychic, it's really hit home for me- the fact that, if you come from a place of desperation and negativity, you're most likely going to end up in such a place.  So, better to start from a place of confidence, positivity and a sense of deservement (is that a word?). 

I just have certain habits that I can't seem to shake; I wonder if they are ever meant to be shaken.  After all, if we come from a negative place, or do some kind of positive action as a result of a negative action, then I wouldn't call it bad.  I mean, I also don't think it's healthy to repress these so-called "negative" or "low" emotions of thoughts all the time; we all need to experience hatred, jealousy, victimized and all that.  Otherwise, how can we call ourselves human??  Aren't all those emotions part of our human emotional structure??  To deny them is to deny huge parts that make us human and multi-dimensional. 

I get sick of seeing these new age sort of people.  The kind of people my mom hangs out with sometimes.  They just seem to think that, to have anger or rage in your heart is a detriment.  And, while I agree that in the long run, yes, it is detrimental to your health and attitude, it's also not good to supress any feelings of emotions that naturally come to you as a reaction. 

So, where does that leave me??  I think I like feeling victimized sometimes- for some reason, it makes me feel special and unique.  I guess I just picture myself in an slow-motion music video with some bittersweet music in the background, and me looking stunningly beautiful.  I've been looking for, longing for that- feeling beautiful.  I just yearn for people to tell me so.  Does that make me vain??  I don't think so; I think we all like to be told that, despite people telling us that, "You should just know that yourself, without anyone else telling you"...

I had intense dreams last night too, and I'm just as exhausted as the day before.  WHY??  WHY do I have these intense dreams??  If I record them, will it help me develope my psychic senses??  Couldn't hurt, even if it doesn't help with my psychic senses.  I still need to get one of those digital recorders...God, i'm so sick of waking up dead-tired.  I know that, if I lay my head down while I'm bed when I wake up, then I'll fall right back asleep and wake up an hour later.  Then I'm in a mad rush to get ready, and I hate that.

I can't wait to have restful sleep, when I wake up feeling rejuvenated and ready to start my day- when I have plenty of time to chant, make breakfast, get ready, and do whatever else i like with my bubble of time in the mornings :-)  It will be SO NICE!  It IS SO NICE!

There are two types of pain:

Emotional and Physical

I used to be very sensitive to physical pain, but I've come to realize that physical pain is one that you can ignore or belittle.  "Pain is weakness leaving the body"...""Pain is your friend- it lets you know you're not dead yet"..."Pain is never permanent"...these and other quotes have helped me put physical pain into perspective over the years.  I've learned to differentiate pain from discomfort; discomfort from annoyance; to brushing off any kind of discomforting or painful feeling associated with my body.  That's not to say that I ignore any pain- signals that my body is telling me I should be paying attention to.  But, I don't let physical pain cripple me, or prohibit me from achieving something. 

Emotional pain, to me, is a dull, aching pain.  I don't like experiencing it (but again, who does?).  I feel this dull ache when someone i love, leaves or hurts me.  Kind of like being kicked in the nuts- it's a pulsating pain that creeps into the bowels of your stomach, and then weighs the rest of your body down.  I think there might be different kinds of emotional pain associated with the differing actions that inflict them.  For example, I've never experience the sudden loss of a loved one, and i'm sure that kind of pain will be different than any other kind of pain I've experienced.  The pain of losing a pet, of harsh rejection, of missing a huge opportunity...i'm sure I'll experience these varied forms of pain at some points in my life.  I don't look forward to it, but I'm sure they will enrich my life and give me a great gift of being able to relate to others on those levels of suffering.  Never thought about it that way- when you experience something, anything- even if it is painful or excruciating, you can be sure someone else has been there too, and so you have this whole other group of people with which you can relate to.  

Traits I've inherited from my mother and father:

Mother
-Usually first to apologize
-Empathetic
-eccentric, a bit wild
-love of the written word
-spiritual
-alcohol intolerancy
-inability to tan fast
-love of the arts


Father
-frugalness
-bad driving
-attention to detail

Come to think of it, I'm more similar to my mother; i always thought i was more similar to my father, despite the fact that we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.  I'm sure I have more things in common with him, but i can't think of any more right now... My Japanese father never was one to share intimate things about himself, and from what i saw growing up, I don't really have that much in common with him.

Hardest part about being me... being overly sensitive, would be at the top of my list.  I've gotten better over the years, and I think my empathetic abilities attributed to my high level of sensitivity.  Now, I can protect myself from being impacted by people's emotions and aura's, for the most part. 

Other hard things which I am remedying:
-my trouble with sleep
-desire to please everyone, or do something that someone else advises is a good idea
-fear of risks
-low metabolism, weight fluctuation
-fear of taking first step towards something I desire
-sudden lacks of confidence

I'm sure some of these things everyone has. 

I laugh a lot.  I can't help it.  I think that helps me through a lot of things and problems in life.  I don't think I could go one day without smiling or laughing.

I'm very compassionate; up until recently i was too compassionate.  Meaning, I was too spiritually vulnerable and I would pick up other peoples' emotions so strongly, that they would overwhelm me.  It's hard for me to imagine someone NOT caring about or empathizing with another person, after being so receptive to other people's emotions.

I feel like I make milestones in growth- I have these epiphanies about life, myself and others, and I don't know, it just makes me feel like I'm actually evolving, growing, advancing, and not just stuck in a rut. 

I am surrounded by great people- friends and family.  They are an amazing support system, and I love expanding that network and being around dynamic, loving people.

We all gain confidence in different ways.  It took me a long time to gain an acceptable (to me, anyways) amount of confidence. 

The internet helps a lot; when you're online, you feel less social restrictions because of your anonymity.  One can see all the harsh and bold comments people leave on Youtube videos, blogs or any other website.  You can branch out and say things you normally wouldn't say to others in public.  I wonder if people get too carried away with this and become belligerant assholes online though...

Doing drag also helped me gain confidence, especially in the flirting department.  When you're in drag (or any other kind of make-up or costume), you feel like a different character, and are therefore free to make up your own personality and boundaries.  When I did theatre, it was very similar.  Be someone else, and see what you do or become.

Doing something you love, like a sport, craft or social activity, will also inspire confidence, I think. 

This is such a relative and subjective term- "real".  What is a real question?  One that is genuine?  Thought-provoking?  Rhetorical?  A riddle? 

A "real" question can mean different things to different people.  For me, I feel like a question is "real" depending on where I'm at in my life.  For example, right now i'm at a big crossroads in my career, and when people ask me what i'm going to do now that I've graduated, I struggle to come up with an answer.  That question is one that I've been reeling over and over in my head, and when others ask me the same question, it's very "real" to me; very deep. 

Even simple yes-or-no questions can be "real"-  "Do you love him/her?" or "Are you happy with what you're doing wtih you life right now?"  These can really make people stop and reflect.  Does that make them "real" questions?

It's really up to the person being asked the question, as to the degree of "realness" involved in it.