i wish I knew other kinds of angels out there, but I really know of the winged, dressed-in-white, radiating kinds.  i think it's a well-established that angels are full of love and guidance and support, and that's pretty much that kind of angel I would want to be.  If i had to add anything to that list of positive attributes, i would want to be the kind of angel who listens instead of preaching advice to people, since that's really what a lot of people in distress are looking for. 

I would be an angel for my family and descendants.  Family is very important to me, even though my family is very fragmented and not very close.  I want to be there for future generations.  I like to think that my dead gay uncle Patrick is with me, guiding me and giving me support and love, and I want to be there for other outcast members of my family. 

I'm still trying to figure that out; when people say, "What does your gut tell you?" or "Listen to that voice inside"... I don't really know what that voice or gut or heart sounds or feels like.  Well actually, if I had to say I had an intuition, I would say I FEELS more than SOUNDS like anything.  I have a hard time differentiating between my intuition and fear and material or selfish wants.  I guess I generally have those "I don't think this is a good idea" moments, but that seems to me to be logic, or at least tightly interwoven. 

I want to be able to hear, sense, feel that inner voice.  I want to be able to use it in all situations and facets of my life, because I think it is a pretty sound guide. 

Ok, affirmation/declaration time:

I AM ABLE TO HEAR AND/OR SENSE MY INTUITION AT ALL TIMES NATURALLY AND EASILY.  I CAN DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN MY INTUITION AND OTHER THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS. 

Good question!  There are a handful of questions that have made a major impact on my life, and I've loved reading others' responses. 

One of the questions that's made the biggest impact on my life, is "What mark do you want to leave on the world after you're gone?"  That really made me stop blobbing and just plain exisitng through life, and wonder how exactly I would be remembered, and for what actions?  I think of people like MLK, Ghandi, and other peace-makers fighting for justice, and I want to leave a similar mark and have people remember me.  Why?  Why do we want to be remembered?  I remember watching a clip from the gay icon movie, "Paris is Burning" where a famous drag queen was opinionating that just surving life is a feat in itself and should be enough.  But I also remember the infamous tale of Achilles and how we can "live eternally" through the memories of others.  I don't want to be just a blot in the memories of my family descendants; I want people to remember me for the positive impacts I've left behind for all of humanity. 

I'm not sure any of us "hide" anything from ourselves; "deny", yes.  Which, i think is what this question is getting at.  I deny...let's see what do i deny myself or about myself?  Nothing, i think.  I try to face every ugly, seemingly negative aspect of myself. 

I CHOOSE to be happy.  To be abundant and MAKE my abudance easily and effortlessly in all facets of my life- financially, spiritually, mentally. 

I CHOOSE to live life each moment in the present, while keeping a conscious eye on the future and a reflective sense from the past. 

I CHOOSE to be honest with myself and others, to always strive for improvement and to be satisfied and learn from less-than-idyllic outcomes. 

I CHOOSE to live a long, happy, fully-satisfying life with wonderful friends and family.

I choose to do all these and more effortlessly, easily and without needless struggle.

I have been carrying beliefs and all sorts of emotional & mental blueprints given to me by my parents.  Useless and non productive modes of thinking, such as having to suffer and struggle to achieve anything "worth while". 

I've been carrying my parents' money blueprints, which I am quickly changing to one of smart, prosperous and instinctive thinking. 

I've been carrying around the self-image of me being average...just lots of childhood and unnecessary self-images and ways of thinking. 

I feel like my ability to change these things gets quicker and easier with time, but sometimes I worry so much whether or not I'll be able to change the big mindsets- my money blueprint.

The most happy?  Good question.  Why is it so hard to remember a time when I was the most happy??  I think the time I've been the most happy is...block.  The MOST happy?  I think with all my friends- Ray, Shann, Terra, Darrick...and my family.  They really make me so happy.  When I'm hanging out with them and having a genuinely good time, whether it be sitting around chatting, watching a movie, or going for a walk. 

OH!  The last time I was the most happy, was when I was in Ireland this past summer.  It was just so much fun being around family and being reminded that I'm not so alone in the world, that I have lots and lots of family all over the world (even if they ARE on the other side of the continent and ocean).  My aunt cooking my meals everyday, living so close to all the other relatives, and being surrounded by such natural and historic beauty- it all made me so happy and nostalgic of memories that probably are my ancestors. 

I wonder when I'll be THAT happy again...SOON, I hope.  I want.  I WILL.

Give your time to tsomething you believe in.  From that, hopefully you will see the joy in giving, and discover more about that specific type of culture you are supporting.  When we learn more, we appreciate more (well, not always) and the world becomes a more beautiful place in our eyes as a result.

I like to give my time towards LGBT rights, because I'm gay and I believe in equality.  I want to donate more of my time tho.  I also want to give more of my times towards environmentalst causes and green energy industries.

I listen to them when they have a problem or need to talk, I try to shower them with little reminders that I love them every other day (by leaving little notes around the house or sending them random emails), I ask how I can improve our relationship and communication. 

I open my heart to them, despite being afraid of being hurt in the process.  I tell them practically everything about me, so they know there are no secrets between us, so we can love each other totally and as unconditionally as possible.

Am I stupid for wanting to leave my boyfriend of more than 5 years, simply because I want to live in a bigger city??  Well, there's also the issue of me not being as attracted to him lately.  But I think him being really preoccupied with the Court and his job, is a big factor in that.  Last night, when I told him I was moving to Seattle NEXT semester, instead of a year from now, I felt really attracted to him while watching him be so upset.  What's up with THAT???  What does that mean?  Do I just want him to pay me some attention??

I really want to live in Seattle.  I want to go to dance clubs with my friends, take yoga & kung fu classes, do stuff that you can't do in Fairbanks and other small cities.  Not only that, I want to date other people.  But when I think of all the memories Michael and I share together....just the thought of him not in my life, makes me cringe.  He is such an AMAZING person; how could I possibly think there was someone better out there???  I think really the only factor is physical attractiveness- I find my attraction to him weaning at times, around the same time my eyes start to wander...

How could I do this to him?  To us???  To the man who sent me care packages in Chile, who comforted me when I was hysterical in Athens???  Who sends me flowers and ecards???  Who makes my life so bright??  Is physical attraction such a big factor?  Will it ALWAYS be a big factor for me in my relationships, no matter who I'm with???  I keep whining about not having "normal" dating relationships with people, but what's the point of that when I have this amazing person in my life???  That's all people like Shann and others who haven't found that special someone, complain about- not having found that person in their lives.  So what am i complaining for?? 

I just have a strong feeling that I will grow resentful if I stay here another year.  But i'm so scared to make that big leap from AK to Seattle.  What if I don't find a job?  What if I'm totally miserable without Michael???  What if he starts seeing somebody whom he realizes treats him better and is a better match with him than I ever was or will be????  i would die.  I dunno what i'd do...he's so amazing.  So sweet.  He makes me laugh.  But my imagination starts to run when I talk to guys online and think about how/what my life would be like with another man.  Is that just "the grass is greener on the other side" sort of mentality??? 

I don't know what to do.  I hate making these big decisions.  I just want someone to tell me what to do.  Well, i think that's what my child self wants; I really do want to make my own decisions, but I just don't want it to hurt so bad like this... Am i doing the right thing???  Will my life be miserable without Michael??  We've already been through the whole, "Maybe i can use this time to see what else is out there and then i can come back to him".  Will he buy that again???  I really did NOT see what else was out there... When i think of all our memories, deep down I want to return to him and make even more.  And yet why do i still fantasize about being with other guys??  They won't be like him...oh god, I can't imagine my life without him...

I feel so lifeless.  Should i have even told him about it???  He asked.  NOW i'm hoping i'll find an awesome job here in Fairbanks...when all this time i've been thinking that i'll be depressed if I have to rely on him for rides and not being able to do all this other stuff during the winter, even if i DO get a great job. 

White.
Snow.
Christmas.
Christmas eve
Seattle Pike Place Market
Family
Presents
Short days
Winter vacation from school
New Years

My favorite winter memory is going to Pike Place Market in Seattle with my family and my cousin from Japan.  The sunset over the Puget Sound was incredible, and with Christmas music in the air and decorations all around, it was just such a joyous time that will forever be nostalgic to me. 

I wish that I will meet a wonderful mentor and teacher who will teach me about how to invest my money wisely, how to start & maintain passive income businesses that I love, and how to be a successful money-manager. 

I wish to meet someone to teach me these things, or at least help me along the way.

I realized that things in my life- my desires, my yearnings, my wants- aren't in sync with each other.  It is a shocking, terrible realization, especially because my partner is conflicted with where i want to live.  I don't know what to do. 

I realized that I have some seemingly tough decisions to make, and a twisted path to take.  I hope it leads me to what is truly best for me in the long run.

I've recently lost my partner of 5 years.  Not "lost" as in dead, but I have decided to move to a larger city and taht means we can't be together.  I think i want to explore and play the field more too, but this just leaves such a huge hole in me.  He is such a great guy, and he makes me very very happy, and we have and continue to share such happy memories...but I can't stay here in this small town for the rest of my 20's... I can't only have one relationship in my 20's... I need to LIVE and explore people & things while I'm young. 

Still.... I've lost him and I fear that I'll never get him back someday...

I feel most safe around family and close friends.  Around my home, where I spend most of my time and can just let loose and be myself.  Although I think it takes time for a place to become a "home"- a safe haven.  You need to build that up and leave your essence/mark on it to really feel like you are secure there.

I feel safe around people who accept me for who I am, wholly and near unconditionally.