The future.  Which is unusual because I normally get hung up on the past and wishing I was relieving certain memories or moments.  But lately I've just been so transfixed on the future and if I can achieve my financial goals.  Well, I guess being unemployed also prompts one to look ahead and wondering if they can pay rent and other necessities.  It's so annoying job-hunting and being without a fixed income. 

I just turned 25, and every birthday since I turned 21 i've been realizing how fast time flies and how quickly I'm growing up.  God, in five years I'll be 30!!!  AH!  And five years seems like such a short time to be able to accomplish all that I want, especially being up here, away from a big city. 

What will the future hold??  I have an ideal, a pretty good picture of what I WANT and what I feel I DESERVE, but I can't help but worry if I'm capable or if fortune will permit me to attain these things.

No, I don't asire to love unconditionally.  That seems so stupid to me (not to bash people who DO love unconditionally).  I think we're all capable of mistakes, and some people make big ones and those people don't warrant my love.  Why would you continue to love somone who is damaging to you or your other loved ones?  The only people whom I love unconditionally are my family, only because they are family and that is one of the strongest bonds in the world.  But there again- there are people with real shitty parents or siblings, and I can totally understand if they don't love them.  Even with a family, which is supposed to have unconditional love, there can be times when one just can't love unconditionally.  To me, all bets are off if you continually hurt people, physically or emotionally. 

Some people have huge hearts and can love all kinds of people, no matter what they do.  I mean, that's admirable, but that's not a trait I have.  I have a limit, I don't have unlimited love to give, my time is precious, and I don't intend on wasting it on stupid people or those who are not striving to better themselves everyday. 

I'm not aware of any other spiritual goals other than evolving into your highest self.  I want my spirit to be solid in its confidence and vast abilities.  I mean, I would love to be "in tune" with myself (sometimes I wonder what that really means), but I believe that, like nirvana, we all falter and feel weak from time to time, no matter how much we are tapped into our highest spiritual self.  I just want my spirit to be at peace with every aspect of my life, and I want to be able to listen to my soul.    

I've always been drawn to dolphins.  I don't even know why, considering I had never seen one until I was 23.  They just seemed like such celestial and humanistic creatures.  I would do school reports on dolphins and the more I learned, the more fascinated I became.  I think these are one of the only animals that will help a drowning human or play with them.  They've made a difference in my life in terms of my goals being geared towards conserving and protecting them.  I wanted to grow up to be a dolphin trainer, but when I heard that i had to take biology classes, I decided to change professions. 

Our family dog has also made a big difference in my life and that of my family.  He's a Keeshond and he continually brings light and warmth to our family, especially my mom. It was amazing to come home in an upset mood, and then have this creature cheer you up so quickly.   I want to own one when I get more settled in life. 

This is the second day i've slept through my alarm.  And I'm STILL tired!  What's up with that?  Things that are bothering me right now:

-doing research for my Spanish project
-preparing lesson plans for Sara
-finding a job/lack of income
-what the future holds
-weight gain

This Spanish project has thrown me for a loop.  Reading all these documents in Spanish makes my head hurt.  You'd think I've be used to this by now, after living in Chile for 4 months, but I dunno, my brain just hasn't been functioning at its maximum capacity.  Is it because I have so much free time? 

Spanish on the brain!  Plus I need to make a lesson plan for Sara today.  Reading through this textbook seems much more daunting as a teacher than a student. 

I'm often torn between orange (vibrant, warm and energetic) and blue (calm, intuitive and like the ocean).  I wish i could see the different colors of peoples' aura's.  It must be so interesting to see.  I DO see aura's.  I need to affirm/declare that. 

Two colors I know I'm NOT are green and brown- they both are just such earthly, grounded colors to me.  And since I'm a water sign, I tend to be drawn to related colors or celestial, airy things. 

My name, Mitsunaga, is Japanese and my dad (who is from Japan) spent a lot of time deciding on it.  Apparently the kanji (Japanese characters) brush strokes add up to a really lucky number.  "Mitsu" means light or life, and "naga" means long, so "eternal light".  The name is very Shogun-istic.  I really like my name. 

I'm not really sure how to answer that.  I suppose we have a healthy relationship?  I've definitely discovered that when my body is under severe pressure or pain, my mind has the ability to talk to and comfort my body.  Often times when my body feels like giving out and saying "I can't", my mind will chime in and remind it that both their limits are as high as the mind can imagine and believe. 

I think it was from the movie, GI JANE, that the drill sergeant tells the soliders that pain is your friend; it lets you know you're not dead yet.  I gleaned a lot from that- like, pain is a controlable sense, as are a lot of other senses.  It was from that point on that I viewed the relationship between my body and mind to be different and alterable.   

Great teachers who opened my eyes to subjects I found boring or difficult.  My 5th and 6th grade teacher (I had the same one for both) was amazing and made each day of class fun and engaging. 

On the flipside, I hate bad teachers because they pollute an entire class full of minds about a particular subject or education in general. 

First day back at school.  I'm finding it so hard to concentrate and soak up information as I read textbooks and just listen to instructions in general.  Why?  I know that when I am more busy, my mind focuses more and I can soak up more information easily.  I get scared thinking about adding more things to my life, because I feel like, if I already feel overwhelmed NOW, what will happen when I add even more?  Even though I already know that I will perform better, I am still afraid.  Why?  I've been through this before. 

Starting a new job soon.  Not sure I want to hone those sets of skills.  Hate this cold.  I want to be back in warm weather and with friends and family.  Trying to find a school friend to fill out a reference form for this scholarship makes me realize just how few good friends I have up here...

Hate not having money. 

I'm reading this book on war and strategy.  Very interesting.  Makes me think I should have an opponent at all times. 

I feel very much like I did when I was on the cruise- with shaky equilibrium and unbalanced. 

Things are good though- I am healthy, my friends and family are healthy and happy, i'm on the verge of graduating... that makes me worry even more- that ONE class!  I need to meet with Alex, but I'm worried about looking lazy and unprepared in her eyes because of my lack of progress on the project.  I need to go through those books...

You know what my problem is about this whole Spanish project?  There is just an abundance of information and I just get so overwhelmed thinking about how I'm going to organize all of it.  I can just read it though, and not worry about any of that.  I am just reading for interest.  God, my mind is so scatterbrained.  I feel like I have waisted time researching, but maybe I can work that to my advantage. 

I should probably chant tonight, just to regain my foothold on reality. 

Usually just being around my loved ones opens my heart.  Do our hearts close?  After a hurtful experience perhaps?  I think some people's hearts are naturally open all the time, while other's seem to close more easily. 

Coming from Alaska, the answer is real easy for me- HAPPINESS!  Usually I am so depressed from all the cold and dark of winter that, when I see the significant increase of sunlight and decrease of snow, I get giddy and filled with optimism and happiness. 

When I was studying abroad in Chile for half of the year, it was amazing how much the sunlight uplifted me and positively boosted my outlook on so many things (problems being among them).  And then I return to Alaska and remember the draining impact the lack of light has on me.  I look at people living in "normal" places where the sun's occurrence isn't so drastic, or people living in tropical places and I wonder, "What kinds of problems can you have?  It's so SUNNY!!!"  Even though I know that problems exist everyhwere no matter what the environment, it's just harder for me to sympathize with troubled people there.  But, I'm also certain that I too would get acclimated to the amount of sunlight and then start bitching about other problems... sigh.  Is that human nature?  Or is that just me? 

In any case (sorry to get off into a tangent there), usually optimisim and happiness arrive with spring for me.  :-)  It's amazing how powerful the sun can be.

My family and friends in Seattle.  I go to university in Alaska and it pains me to leave my base of supoprt everytime I leave Seattle.  Sometimes I feel bad leaving my little sister behind; I feel like I could've made a bigger, positive influence in her if I had stayed in Seattle.  

As for my friends- coming back from Seattle usually reminds me of how few friends I've made while being up in Alaska.  That also makes me ponder my decision of coming up here to Alaska.