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November 2009 
Who or what would you have the hardest time loving?
Posted on Feb 7th, 2009
by 
Mitsu
Mitsu
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for February 07, 2009:
My father. Like him, I like to dichotomize everything into "good" or "bad", and I just want to classify him as a horrible father. But he wasn't; he took us camping, he stuck around and financially supported us, he's still helping me pay off my college loans, for God's sake! So, I wouldn't say he's a bad father; but he wasn't a good father either.
He really hurt my feelings 2 years ago, and even though I've forgiven him, it's hard for me to love him. But maybe family members don't have to love each other. After all, how do you explain those deadbeat parents who drink, or beat their kids? Or those spoiled kids who just cause trouble? I'm sure they're not loved by their families, even though there is supposed to be unconditional love. I think it's sad to see family members not love each other, but i can see how it happens. But here again- I wish I could just decide on whether I "love" my father or "not love" him, because I'm straddling that line.
He really hurt my feelings 2 years ago, and even though I've forgiven him, it's hard for me to love him. But maybe family members don't have to love each other. After all, how do you explain those deadbeat parents who drink, or beat their kids? Or those spoiled kids who just cause trouble? I'm sure they're not loved by their families, even though there is supposed to be unconditional love. I think it's sad to see family members not love each other, but i can see how it happens. But here again- I wish I could just decide on whether I "love" my father or "not love" him, because I'm straddling that line.
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My feelings are exactly the same. My father is not a bad one in the least. I see him try to connect with me on his own level, he’s financially supported me these last few years (putting me through school), and he tries to come visit me as much as he can, but many times I find myself not wanting the company. I know I love my father to death, but there are a lot of hurdles keeping us from being “friends”. Cultural, generation, lifestyle, and social differences set us apart drastically, not to mention I’ve grown up separate from him since I was 4. I constantly find myself either feeling hurt or disgusted with the way he thinks and the things he says (not even directed at me). So, I find it really hard to LIKE my dad, but easy to love him. I know how much he cares, how much he mourns for the years spent apart (divorce), I know he wishes he knew me better, and I see him frustrated when we don’t meet eye to eye….it actually makes my heart ache at all the time we’ve spent apart and how hard he’s worked to make a life for him and his family. However, if he wasn’t my father, I get the constant feeling that we would never see each other. We would never be friends, because he is not in the least the type of person that I’d truly enjoy hanging out with. I would never let my friends talk to me the way he does sometimes and would never want friends with some of the thoughts on life he conjures up. That’s what makes it so hard….it’s not like I paying him lip service…I do love him and wish that we were closer and see how much he cares, but its hard when he disagrees with everything I believe and every part of your life. However, I do love my father, I just don’t like him. Weird.
Yeah, I think a lot of people can relate to LOVING a family member, but not LIKING them. For me, I feel like that’s what family is supposed to do- love and support each other. But I have a hard time liking my brother and father, and I know that they are fully capable of doing something that would cause me to NOT love them anymore. Or maybe “love” is the wrong word; I would cut them out of my life, but I think I’d still love them.
I’ve cut my father out of my life because of the pain he put me through and because of the future pain & frustration I know he would put me through.
Is it even possible to LOVE someone, but not LIKE them?? Like you said: “Weird”.